Diary Entry #002

 

Confessions of a teenage girl

I have a confession to make....

Sometimes I feel like an imposter.

Last year, I was scrolling through Tiktok as usual then I came across a video that asked 'who are you without society's labels'  (or something along the lines of that, I don't remember the exact quote). It got me thinking like real hard. Since then I've been on a journey of self - discovery, not that I never reflected on my actions or thoughts before then, but after my self reflection got deeper. 

I've learnt new things about myself, developed new goals, and I would say I am beginning to really know what I truly want for my life. Through self reflection, I discovered that I'm not actually a Christian - this is what makes me feel like an imposter. 

It makes me feel like an imposter because I was born into a very Christian home. My entire bloodline is full of Nigerians who are very religious. Every time I call a relative, they pray for me. Every Sunday when my mum wakes up she sings praises, she prays and worships. Every time we go to church, I have to pretend to pray, to praise, to worship, which makes me feel like a liar and a fraud. My sister hangs up bible quotes in our room, written on post its. My mum asks if I've prayed. I love them all truly but I can't deny that my beliefs don't align with theirs. 

I wouldn't say I have it all figured out tho, all I know is I'm definitely not sticking to any religion. However I do believe in myself - as weird as that sounds. I'm not sure how to describe it. I would say I'm spiritual rather than religious - if that makes sense. I've been trying to work on this - on being more spiritual. I continue to self reflect, I do yoga and meditate to connect with my soul and I want to get into manifestation, law of assumption, quantum leaping, neuroplasticity etc. My worldview has also expanded far wider and deeper than ever and it continues to expand.

Upon releasing my self from the religious bounds I was born into, I realised the Bible itself sounds very misogynistic in fact all Abrahamic religions do. Listening to some of my older relatives and there is so much internalised misogyny. I wonder how I didn't realise that The Church as well seems like a cult, no like actually and it's all so patriarchal as well. 

To end this, I just want to focus on myself and yeah that sounds selfish but whatever. I know what I want and I know I'm going to get it as long as I put in the work and believe. I no longer wish to be limited by a religion.